Well it's March...

The month changes are getting harder and harder for me.

March is the month before April... and April was when I was due with my sweet baby that we lost back in September. I remember telling Eric that April was so far away! Now.. it's right around the corner. I would be 33 weeks pregnant with that baby today... and 20 weeks pregnant with the one I lost in December. It is SO crazy to think about how long that 9 months sounds until you have lost what you were looking forward to and then it just flies by.

I know April 21st is going to be so hard to deal with. I know that I will just be a mess, but I am thankful to have an amazing husband who will be right beside me.

30/17

I would be 3/4 of the way done with my second pregnancy and almost halfway through my 3rd by now. You would think this would get easier, but it doesn't. All I can do is cry because the thing I want so much just isn't happening. It's crazy to think we would have found out what baby #3 is this week... and he or she is gone. I hope they are together, taking care of each other. Having a sibling relationship that I am not sure Collin will ever have.

I just want my babies back :( I would give anything in the world to have them back.

February

It's February and to me, it is crazy to think about the last 6 months.

If I hadn't lost my first, sweet angel... I would only be 2 months away from giving birth... as I was due in April. The though of it kills me. When the 21st of April and July come around [both of my due dates for my angels] I MAY just shut down and cry. I am close to tears just writing this.

I see SO many people complaining... and who knows, maybe it's Karma. I know I complain more than I should about every day things... and I probably even complained a lot during my pregnancy and when Collin was a newborn... but I WISH I had sleepless nights, teething, and spit up all over my clothes to deal with. I would give ANYTHING for that right now. I don't care if it meant I would never finish school, that I would have to work more to provide, that it may lead to me being on bed rest or vomitting violently for 9 months straight. I DON'T CARE. Any amount of pain, discomfort... any of it... would be worth being able to bring another sweet soul into this world.

This is a time where I question God's plans. I know I shouldn't, I know I should just have faith, but it's so hard. I see headlines of kids murdered, abused, hell... even duct taped to a wall as punishment... yet I cannot have another one to hold, to snuggle, to feed. I do not understand how this happens. I know I am not perfect as a mother. I know it. I just know that my son is happy, healthy, and smart. I know he has a roof over his head, food in his tummy, clothes on his back, and support and love all around him.

I just hate feeling like there is some lesson in this for me... or that I have done something wrong to deserve this. I wish I didn't.

a little blunt honesty...

I have been trying not to speak too much about my miscarriages recently, mostly because I am jsut sick of people's responses.

I am sick of:
- Unsolicited fertility advice
- People acting like doctors
- Insensitivty

I am not trying to be rude by addressing any of this, but it needs to be said.

My biggest complaint?
People saying "Don't worry, you will have another baby."

A. It doesn't matter if I will have another baby. I have lost TWO babies. I didn't lose just an embryo or a fetus... I lost my child... I lost my son/daughter... not once, but twice.

B. I don't care if you have been through a miscarriage before and feel differently about the "embryo" or "fetus" you lost. To me, it was my baby. Both times.

C. Here are some statistics for you.
Only 5% of women will have 2 consecutive miscarriages. - I fell into that 5%.
After a women has 2 miscarriages, her chances of having a healthy baby are 60%.
Don't you DARE tell me I will have another baby. You are not God. You do NOT know. If I fell into the 5% that had two consecutive miscarriages, I can easily fall into the the 40% that will never have a baby again.

This makes me sound NOTHING but pessimistic, and I understand. I understand that I CAN fall into the 60% who will, but I do not need to be told that I will, when you don't know. I do not need to feel like I should just get over it because you think I will have more kids.

I just need to get this off my chest. Most of you probably didn't read until here, but that's alright. This was more for me than you.

Tomorrow will mark one month since I lost my last angel... This time last month I thought everything was fine. That kills me.

25/12

I would have been 25 weeks pregnant today with Baby #2...

I would have been 12 weeks pregnant with Baby #3....

Instead, I feel empty and sad tonight. Every little complaint about babies & pregnancy I see, STINGS. I don't know that I will EVER be able to have another chance to have morning sickness. I don't know that I will ever feel another baby in my ribs. I don't know that I will ever have to change my outfit because of my baby's spit up on me.

I don't mean to be so critical... I just wish I had those chances. SO much. :(

I wish, with my whole heart, that I knew I would have that chance again.
I just want my babies back :(

I can honestly say...

I am disappointed.

I feel so alone right now it is ridiculous. I know a few of my closest friends don't understand what I am going through, as they do not have kids, but my feelings are ridiculously hurt right now, and I don't even feel like I should say anything to them.

My D&C was on the 28th, so about 4 days ago now. I got a text from a couple of people asking how it went and if I was doing alright. I appreciated those texts. I appreciated that people were thinking about me. I did not appreciate that I didn't hear from a few people that I feel like I should have. I am upset that I STILL haven't been asked how it went or if I am doing alright 4 days later. It's like it never happened. I have received texts from both of the people in question, but neither asking how I am doing.

Something happened. I have not forgotten about it just a few days later.

I get it. It isn't easy to talk about. It isn't easy to bring up. However, it is a HELL of a lot harder to go through it, feeling like no one cares, than it is to type a few words into a phone asking if someone is okay or needs anything... or even "I am thinking of you."

This time around is so much harder than last time. I felt along last time... this time is even worse. It feels like people think that I have been through it once, so now it is second nature to me. Well, it isn't. Now I am dealing with the fact I have lost 2 babies and have been trying over a year to have one. I am dealing with the fact that a little over two weeks before I saw my dead child on the ultrasound screen, I saw that baby alive... heart beating. Those two sonograms are forever burned in my memory and it kills me to even think about them.

I think I am a good friend. I think I am there for people when they need me. I think I go out of my way to make sure they are alright. I see a status on Facebook that seems like they are sad, they get a text minutes later. They are having a rough patch in life, I ask if they wanna come over, hang out, talk...

Anyway, you get where I am going with this. I am hurt.

Apparently, it doesn't matter.

2011, The good and the bad.

2011 was one heck of a year. I can honestly say I am mostly happy to see it go and hoping that 2011 is a heck of a lot better.

Good:

I got to meet one of my best friends Kathy Daniels and her daughter Lily face to face. We had been friends online for years, but the miles between here and Florida made it rough. We met in July and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I cannot wait to see them again <3

Collin turned one. Which is crazy. Even crazier, now he is only about 2 weeks away from being 2.

I went back to school. It pretty much kicked my butt, but I did keep a 3.214 Cummulative GPA, so I guess I cannot complain.

Bad:

Eric got into a pretty horrible car accident. Luckily, he did walk away from it and in all reality he shouldn't have. However, we did lose our second car which has made it hard.

Still no promotion for Eric, which also blows.

We spent most of the year dealing with trying to get pregnant. Most people wouldn't see that as a bad thing, but it was extremely stressful.

Our two losses. We lost not one, but 2 babies this year. One just days ago. I thin the second loss was even harder for me, because we saw it's sweet little heart beat just a few weeks ago. Unfortunately. the baby died two days later and we didn't know. [There is more in my last post about that]

2012 will hopefully bring better times. Hopefully it will bring us a new baby into our arms. Hopefully it will bring a promotion for my husband. Hopefully it will bring another car. Hopefully it will bring health and happiness.