2011, The good and the bad.

2011 was one heck of a year. I can honestly say I am mostly happy to see it go and hoping that 2011 is a heck of a lot better.

Good:

I got to meet one of my best friends Kathy Daniels and her daughter Lily face to face. We had been friends online for years, but the miles between here and Florida made it rough. We met in July and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I cannot wait to see them again <3

Collin turned one. Which is crazy. Even crazier, now he is only about 2 weeks away from being 2.

I went back to school. It pretty much kicked my butt, but I did keep a 3.214 Cummulative GPA, so I guess I cannot complain.

Bad:

Eric got into a pretty horrible car accident. Luckily, he did walk away from it and in all reality he shouldn't have. However, we did lose our second car which has made it hard.

Still no promotion for Eric, which also blows.

We spent most of the year dealing with trying to get pregnant. Most people wouldn't see that as a bad thing, but it was extremely stressful.

Our two losses. We lost not one, but 2 babies this year. One just days ago. I thin the second loss was even harder for me, because we saw it's sweet little heart beat just a few weeks ago. Unfortunately. the baby died two days later and we didn't know. [There is more in my last post about that]

2012 will hopefully bring better times. Hopefully it will bring us a new baby into our arms. Hopefully it will bring a promotion for my husband. Hopefully it will bring another car. Hopefully it will bring health and happiness.

I hate 2011.

Last December, Eric and I decided to start trying for another baby. It wasn't until 8 months later that we succeeded and found out that we were finally pregnant. On September 6th, we unfortunately miscarried. On November 15th, we got home from Vegas and I immediately took a pregnancy test. It was positive and we were thrilled. I went in right away to have blood work done. I was called the next day and was told my progesterone was not high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I started on 400mg of Prometrium, a hormone supplement, a day. My next set of blood work came back fine, my levels were rising. I went in on 12/8 for my first prenatal appointment and had an ultrasound. We saw our beautiful little baby with a steady heartbeat and were immediately relieved. I was 7 weeks, 5 days. I felt so much better, since the chance of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat is only 3%. We announced to the whole family and all of our friends on Christmas day and all were so happy for us.

Yesterday, I woke up from a nap to get ready for work. I went to the bathroom and immediately realized I was bleeding. I started crying right away and called my doctor and called into work. The nurse at my doctors office told me if I hurried she could do an ultrasound since my doctor was out of the office. I got there, and my doctor was there to see me. As soon as he started the ultrasound, I saw that my baby was no larger than the last ultrasound and that the beautiful flicker was gone. He told me that the baby measured 8 weeks... which meant my sweet little one died just 2 days after my doctor's appointment and I never had a clue.

He told me I could either let the m/c happen naturally or have a D&C. I opted for the D&C since my last miscarriage was the most horrible pain I had ever experienced in my life. I got to the hospital at 6 am and was in the OR at about 8. The next thing I knew, I woke up crying... knowing my baby was no longer inside of me. I was able to go home an hour later and slept a lot of the day since they have me on strong pain medicine.

I am supposed to go back to the doctor in a few weeks to discuss the results of the pathology report on our baby's remains and talk about our future of hopefully carrying a baby to full term.

In all of this, I feel empty. I feel broken. I feel... insufficient, because I cannot seem to sustain a pregnancy and carry a baby to term. I am scared to even think of getting pregnant again at this point. I don't know if I can handle going through this one more time. Knowing I have been pregnant 3 times and only have one living child to show for it makes the odds seem horrible. Truth is, with every miscarriage someone has, their chances for a live birth go down.

I know I am blessed to have one child, as so many people have thrown in my face. However, if someone you knew lost their 6 month old baby... you would not be telling them "Well at least you have another child." or "You can always have another baby." If someone last their mom, would you say "Well, at least your dad is still alive." Would you? Of course not. Well THIS, this is the SAME thing. These were my KIDS. They were not just embryos. They weren't just a pregnancy. They were my kids and I loved them with my entire heart. Please remember that when you talk to ANYONE in this situation.

Thank you to those who have checked on me today and for your prayers and kind thoughts. They have meant a lot to our family.