I hate 2011.

Last December, Eric and I decided to start trying for another baby. It wasn't until 8 months later that we succeeded and found out that we were finally pregnant. On September 6th, we unfortunately miscarried. On November 15th, we got home from Vegas and I immediately took a pregnancy test. It was positive and we were thrilled. I went in right away to have blood work done. I was called the next day and was told my progesterone was not high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I started on 400mg of Prometrium, a hormone supplement, a day. My next set of blood work came back fine, my levels were rising. I went in on 12/8 for my first prenatal appointment and had an ultrasound. We saw our beautiful little baby with a steady heartbeat and were immediately relieved. I was 7 weeks, 5 days. I felt so much better, since the chance of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat is only 3%. We announced to the whole family and all of our friends on Christmas day and all were so happy for us.

Yesterday, I woke up from a nap to get ready for work. I went to the bathroom and immediately realized I was bleeding. I started crying right away and called my doctor and called into work. The nurse at my doctors office told me if I hurried she could do an ultrasound since my doctor was out of the office. I got there, and my doctor was there to see me. As soon as he started the ultrasound, I saw that my baby was no larger than the last ultrasound and that the beautiful flicker was gone. He told me that the baby measured 8 weeks... which meant my sweet little one died just 2 days after my doctor's appointment and I never had a clue.

He told me I could either let the m/c happen naturally or have a D&C. I opted for the D&C since my last miscarriage was the most horrible pain I had ever experienced in my life. I got to the hospital at 6 am and was in the OR at about 8. The next thing I knew, I woke up crying... knowing my baby was no longer inside of me. I was able to go home an hour later and slept a lot of the day since they have me on strong pain medicine.

I am supposed to go back to the doctor in a few weeks to discuss the results of the pathology report on our baby's remains and talk about our future of hopefully carrying a baby to full term.

In all of this, I feel empty. I feel broken. I feel... insufficient, because I cannot seem to sustain a pregnancy and carry a baby to term. I am scared to even think of getting pregnant again at this point. I don't know if I can handle going through this one more time. Knowing I have been pregnant 3 times and only have one living child to show for it makes the odds seem horrible. Truth is, with every miscarriage someone has, their chances for a live birth go down.

I know I am blessed to have one child, as so many people have thrown in my face. However, if someone you knew lost their 6 month old baby... you would not be telling them "Well at least you have another child." or "You can always have another baby." If someone last their mom, would you say "Well, at least your dad is still alive." Would you? Of course not. Well THIS, this is the SAME thing. These were my KIDS. They were not just embryos. They weren't just a pregnancy. They were my kids and I loved them with my entire heart. Please remember that when you talk to ANYONE in this situation.

Thank you to those who have checked on me today and for your prayers and kind thoughts. They have meant a lot to our family.