I would be 3/4 of the way done with my second pregnancy and almost halfway through my 3rd by now. You would think this would get easier, but it doesn't. All I can do is cry because the thing I want so much just isn't happening. It's crazy to think we would have found out what baby #3 is this week... and he or she is gone. I hope they are together, taking care of each other. Having a sibling relationship that I am not sure Collin will ever have.
I just want my babies back :( I would give anything in the world to have them back.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
February
It's February and to me, it is crazy to think about the last 6 months.
If I hadn't lost my first, sweet angel... I would only be 2 months away from giving birth... as I was due in April. The though of it kills me. When the 21st of April and July come around [both of my due dates for my angels] I MAY just shut down and cry. I am close to tears just writing this.
I see SO many people complaining... and who knows, maybe it's Karma. I know I complain more than I should about every day things... and I probably even complained a lot during my pregnancy and when Collin was a newborn... but I WISH I had sleepless nights, teething, and spit up all over my clothes to deal with. I would give ANYTHING for that right now. I don't care if it meant I would never finish school, that I would have to work more to provide, that it may lead to me being on bed rest or vomitting violently for 9 months straight. I DON'T CARE. Any amount of pain, discomfort... any of it... would be worth being able to bring another sweet soul into this world.
This is a time where I question God's plans. I know I shouldn't, I know I should just have faith, but it's so hard. I see headlines of kids murdered, abused, hell... even duct taped to a wall as punishment... yet I cannot have another one to hold, to snuggle, to feed. I do not understand how this happens. I know I am not perfect as a mother. I know it. I just know that my son is happy, healthy, and smart. I know he has a roof over his head, food in his tummy, clothes on his back, and support and love all around him.
I just hate feeling like there is some lesson in this for me... or that I have done something wrong to deserve this. I wish I didn't.
If I hadn't lost my first, sweet angel... I would only be 2 months away from giving birth... as I was due in April. The though of it kills me. When the 21st of April and July come around [both of my due dates for my angels] I MAY just shut down and cry. I am close to tears just writing this.
I see SO many people complaining... and who knows, maybe it's Karma. I know I complain more than I should about every day things... and I probably even complained a lot during my pregnancy and when Collin was a newborn... but I WISH I had sleepless nights, teething, and spit up all over my clothes to deal with. I would give ANYTHING for that right now. I don't care if it meant I would never finish school, that I would have to work more to provide, that it may lead to me being on bed rest or vomitting violently for 9 months straight. I DON'T CARE. Any amount of pain, discomfort... any of it... would be worth being able to bring another sweet soul into this world.
This is a time where I question God's plans. I know I shouldn't, I know I should just have faith, but it's so hard. I see headlines of kids murdered, abused, hell... even duct taped to a wall as punishment... yet I cannot have another one to hold, to snuggle, to feed. I do not understand how this happens. I know I am not perfect as a mother. I know it. I just know that my son is happy, healthy, and smart. I know he has a roof over his head, food in his tummy, clothes on his back, and support and love all around him.
I just hate feeling like there is some lesson in this for me... or that I have done something wrong to deserve this. I wish I didn't.
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