a little blunt honesty...

I have been trying not to speak too much about my miscarriages recently, mostly because I am jsut sick of people's responses.

I am sick of:
- Unsolicited fertility advice
- People acting like doctors
- Insensitivty

I am not trying to be rude by addressing any of this, but it needs to be said.

My biggest complaint?
People saying "Don't worry, you will have another baby."

A. It doesn't matter if I will have another baby. I have lost TWO babies. I didn't lose just an embryo or a fetus... I lost my child... I lost my son/daughter... not once, but twice.

B. I don't care if you have been through a miscarriage before and feel differently about the "embryo" or "fetus" you lost. To me, it was my baby. Both times.

C. Here are some statistics for you.
Only 5% of women will have 2 consecutive miscarriages. - I fell into that 5%.
After a women has 2 miscarriages, her chances of having a healthy baby are 60%.
Don't you DARE tell me I will have another baby. You are not God. You do NOT know. If I fell into the 5% that had two consecutive miscarriages, I can easily fall into the the 40% that will never have a baby again.

This makes me sound NOTHING but pessimistic, and I understand. I understand that I CAN fall into the 60% who will, but I do not need to be told that I will, when you don't know. I do not need to feel like I should just get over it because you think I will have more kids.

I just need to get this off my chest. Most of you probably didn't read until here, but that's alright. This was more for me than you.

Tomorrow will mark one month since I lost my last angel... This time last month I thought everything was fine. That kills me.

25/12

I would have been 25 weeks pregnant today with Baby #2...

I would have been 12 weeks pregnant with Baby #3....

Instead, I feel empty and sad tonight. Every little complaint about babies & pregnancy I see, STINGS. I don't know that I will EVER be able to have another chance to have morning sickness. I don't know that I will ever feel another baby in my ribs. I don't know that I will ever have to change my outfit because of my baby's spit up on me.

I don't mean to be so critical... I just wish I had those chances. SO much. :(

I wish, with my whole heart, that I knew I would have that chance again.
I just want my babies back :(

I can honestly say...

I am disappointed.

I feel so alone right now it is ridiculous. I know a few of my closest friends don't understand what I am going through, as they do not have kids, but my feelings are ridiculously hurt right now, and I don't even feel like I should say anything to them.

My D&C was on the 28th, so about 4 days ago now. I got a text from a couple of people asking how it went and if I was doing alright. I appreciated those texts. I appreciated that people were thinking about me. I did not appreciate that I didn't hear from a few people that I feel like I should have. I am upset that I STILL haven't been asked how it went or if I am doing alright 4 days later. It's like it never happened. I have received texts from both of the people in question, but neither asking how I am doing.

Something happened. I have not forgotten about it just a few days later.

I get it. It isn't easy to talk about. It isn't easy to bring up. However, it is a HELL of a lot harder to go through it, feeling like no one cares, than it is to type a few words into a phone asking if someone is okay or needs anything... or even "I am thinking of you."

This time around is so much harder than last time. I felt along last time... this time is even worse. It feels like people think that I have been through it once, so now it is second nature to me. Well, it isn't. Now I am dealing with the fact I have lost 2 babies and have been trying over a year to have one. I am dealing with the fact that a little over two weeks before I saw my dead child on the ultrasound screen, I saw that baby alive... heart beating. Those two sonograms are forever burned in my memory and it kills me to even think about them.

I think I am a good friend. I think I am there for people when they need me. I think I go out of my way to make sure they are alright. I see a status on Facebook that seems like they are sad, they get a text minutes later. They are having a rough patch in life, I ask if they wanna come over, hang out, talk...

Anyway, you get where I am going with this. I am hurt.

Apparently, it doesn't matter.