It's February and to me, it is crazy to think about the last 6 months.
If I hadn't lost my first, sweet angel... I would only be 2 months away from giving birth... as I was due in April. The though of it kills me. When the 21st of April and July come around [both of my due dates for my angels] I MAY just shut down and cry. I am close to tears just writing this.
I see SO many people complaining... and who knows, maybe it's Karma. I know I complain more than I should about every day things... and I probably even complained a lot during my pregnancy and when Collin was a newborn... but I WISH I had sleepless nights, teething, and spit up all over my clothes to deal with. I would give ANYTHING for that right now. I don't care if it meant I would never finish school, that I would have to work more to provide, that it may lead to me being on bed rest or vomitting violently for 9 months straight. I DON'T CARE. Any amount of pain, discomfort... any of it... would be worth being able to bring another sweet soul into this world.
This is a time where I question God's plans. I know I shouldn't, I know I should just have faith, but it's so hard. I see headlines of kids murdered, abused, hell... even duct taped to a wall as punishment... yet I cannot have another one to hold, to snuggle, to feed. I do not understand how this happens. I know I am not perfect as a mother. I know it. I just know that my son is happy, healthy, and smart. I know he has a roof over his head, food in his tummy, clothes on his back, and support and love all around him.
I just hate feeling like there is some lesson in this for me... or that I have done something wrong to deserve this. I wish I didn't.
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You didn't do anything wrong to "deserve'' this.... I don't believe that that is how God works... Do people have consequences for their actions? Yes...but this is irrelevant to your situation entirely..What has happened to your family has been out of your control...You did NOT bring it on yourself and I hope that you don't let those thoughts weigh on you. I think you are coming at it so welll mentally and emotionally...trying to keep your faith even though it is harder than you can bear..that is not an easy thing. I know that whatever it is that is IN the plans for you will bring you sooo much happiness as you continue to focus all of your love and attention to that beautiful family of yours. You have righteous desires...and I believe that they won't be unnoticed...You're doing great Sarah! Keep going strong..one day at a time..:)
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